Monday, 9 June 2014

Never Mind the Bollocks: UKIP Goes Punk

UKIP, in a stunning and moving tribute, payed honour to the Punk era of music, by erecting some studded concrete outside its headquarters in London.
A UKIP source revealed: "Mr Farage has always been a big fan of Punk bands, he has 
a collection in his office which includes such classics as "Insulted by Germans (Again)" by NOFX and "Me vs. Morrissey in the Pretentiousness Contest (The Ladder Match)" by A Wilhelm Scream." She continued, "I often see him through the glass partition, headbanging and hitting his fists against the desk."
Of course, who could forget, that Mr Farage has always been on the forefront of the Counter-culture. As seen in this photograph taken after the Party's d├ębut conference mosh pit.

The Whitehall Brawl: May Vs. Gove

Boxing fans are tonight getting ready for one of the biggest showdowns in Coalition history; Theresa "One Punch" May against Michael "Badboy" Gove in what promises to be the fight of the century.

Tension began brewing between the two camps after Gove was called out by one of May's training team, who said in an interview, "He's got no attack, his policies are whack and he's going down fast!"

Team Gove responded by yelling "It's on!" and scheduled a preliminary weigh-in for the 10th of June. Rivalry has been rampant among each side's squad of "Special Advisers", with one even being forced to resign for apparently losing all common sense and posting a bag of dog feces through the opposition's letterbox.

Of course, speculation is growing as to who the favourite would be; we've seen both in spectacularly bad parliamentary blunders over the years, so it's anyone's guess who will come out on top. One boxing and political enthusiast told us "Well, May has a pretty mean Greenbelt Housing Policy, but I've seen Gove give someone a nasty Chinese burn."

One thing is certain though, nobody cares. While speaking to a man on a Clapham Omnibus, The Daily Farce has discovered that the vast majority of people would rather politicians just get on with trying to get the country out of it's massive debts. Although, I'm sure we would enjoy seeing Theresa May pummelling Michael Gove into a bloody pulp on the floor.

(Sources may be fabricated.)

Monday, 11 November 2013

John Major Shocked that Toffs Run the Country!

John Major has stated what he believes to be the shocking extent of the grip that the "Elite" have on public life in the UK. Mr Major was speaking to the South Norfolk Conservative Association, where he described the current state of the rich classes controlling a majority of the political influence in this country.

"In every single sphere of British influence, the upper echelons of power in 2013 are held overwhelmingly by the privately educated or the affluent middle class, To me, from my background, I find that truly shocking."  

This, all coming from a man who sat on the Carlyle Group's European Advisory Board and is also the former Chairman of Carlyle Europe, a company who's former employees include former U.S President George W. Bush, James Barker III, former Secretary of State for Dubya's dad.
Are we seriously supposed to believe that a man who knocks around with these kind of people in a company that moves money around for a living is "Shocked" at the fact that the people with the money control the political clout? Chairman of a company which, at the height of it's douchebaggery, defaulted on $16.6 billion of it's debt. I'm sure the people suffering the trauma of having their house foreclosed on would be very pleased to know that a few people made a hell of a lot of money out of everyone else losing everything.

How much more obvious could it be that we are ruled by a Money Elite than the fact that over half of our Cabinet were privately educated? People who never experience life outside of the Westminster Bubble? How long is it going to be before they have bled the country dry by selling off every single front line service? Being ruled by a man who looks like he could sell you a handful of sheep droppings; convincing you that they were a strange and wonderful Moroccan delicacy. Or the man in charge of the money, who has the look and feel of Scrooge McDuck re-imagined by Giger.

Is it any wonder that things never change if the only people who ever get to make the big decisions were all educated at the same place; they have exactly the same mindset. How long will it be before they finish bleeding the country dry? How long will it be until we notice?

Friday, 24 May 2013

The Woolwich Murder and the Communications Data Bill

So today, Nick Clegg is under pressure from Labour peers Lord West and Lord Reid to revive the Communications Data Bill that would allow authorities access to private communications across the digital spectrum.

This is being suggested in light of the recent killing in London of Lee Rigby. Liberal Democrat and a former government reviewer of counter-terrorism Lord Carlile said on the BBC's Newsnight "We have to learn proportionate lessons from what has occurred. We mustn't rush to judgment. But we must ensure that the police and the security services have for the future the tools they need that will enable them to prevent this kind of attack taking place."

While no-one can deny that the murder is an abhorrent tragedy, this violent and disgusting act is nothing more than a catalyst for politicians to enact the legislation that they want to put through. Do they really think that the ability to snoop on someone's Twitter messages will yield worthwhile intelligence? Is someone really going to broadcast that they will murder someone in the street across their social media feed? This is another sick example of this government continuing the slight of hand that sees your civil liberties eroded away in order to "protect" us from ourselves.

The murder of Lee Rigby should be handled with dignity and respect; not as a catalyst for politicians to push their own agendas.

My thoughts are with the family and friends of Lee.


Monday, 23 April 2012

The Olympics: One Big, Fat Advertising Exercise

With the start of the London Olympics less than 100 days away, is anyone apart from Seb Coe really excited? I, for one, am not. Why would I be excited about the £24 BILLION that it's supposedly going to cost us taxpayers? And what have we done with all that money? Given vast sums to international corporations in order to woo their support, that's what. The level of corporate control over these games is unprecedented. Here's the full list according to the London Olympics Wikia:

Burning money Joker? Can we help?
Coca-Cola, McDonalds, GE, Dow, Panasonic, Acer, Astos-Origin, Omega, Visa, P&G, Samsung, Adidas, BMW, BP, British Airways, BT, EDF, Lloyds TSB, Adecco, ArcelorMittal, Cadbury, Cisco, Deloitte, Thomas Cook, UPS, Aggreko, Airwave, Atkins, The Boston Consulting Group, CBS Outdoor, Crystal CG, Eurostar, Freshfields Bruckhaus Deringer LLP, G4S, GlaxoSmith-Kline, Gymnova, Heineken UK, Holiday Inn, John Lewis, McCann Worldgroup, Mondo, Next, The Nielsen Company, Populous, Rapiscan Systems, Rio Tinto, Technogym, Thames Water, Ticketmaster, Trebor, kathmandu bazar plaza, banjara group

And not content with this corporate sponsorship clusterfuck, officials have clamped down, propaganda-style, on anything that may "mislead" customers into thinking that it is "Olympics-related". This even includes Cafe Olympic in Stratford, which was forced to change its name, at the expense of the owner, because trading standards officials threatened legal action. A spokesman for the local council commented: "“The Olympics are crucial for the regeneration of Newham and we are following legislation put in place by the government. There are copyright restrictions for businesses around the use of the word Olympic and the five rings. We are currently discussing with LOCOG the best way to deal with those who use such words or marks unlawfully.”

Now it might just be me, but how can you claim copyright infringement over the word "Olympic"? A word used to describe the area of Olympus in Greece that is the games' spiritual home? And then forcing the owner himself to pay for the changes.

So let's recap: £24 Billion for TWO WEEKS of sport. Surely that sum of money could have been used to boost the economy and give more back to the poorest in society. And I don't think that it's any coincidence that the London Olympics also happens to fall in 2012, the year that many claim will be the end of the world.

Wouldn't it be perfect if the opening ceremony kicks off and Boris appears on stage waving a paper Union flag, blowing a kazoo, just as the aliens invade or the massive tsunami rolls over London. The London Olympics; an event so shit that they're having to force Daniel Craig to pretend to be James Bond and launch the games. They couldn't even get someone REAL to do it. This feels a lot like winning EuroVision, but with a significantly bigger hole in all of our pockets.

Oh, and in case you're interested, Cafe Olympic's address is:78 Portway, Stratford, London E15 3QJ. You can phone them on: 020 8555 3477 .


Murdoch slams UK Government - Pot, Kettle, Black?

Rupert Murdoch has lashed out at the Government ahead of his appearance at the Journalistic Standards inquiry next week. He called plans to donate £10 billion to the IMF and the Pasty Tax on hot food "Mad" in messages sent over Twitter.

Now excuse us for splitting hairs, but isn't this a case of the pot calling the kettle black? How can anyone under such scrutiny even comment on the state of the country, when he is just as culpable? Surely the idea of hacking murder victim's voice and emails is a bit "mad", not to mention the wide spread corruption throughout his organisation that he claims not to have any knowledge of.

He continued: "English spring countryside as beautiful as ever if and when sun appears! About to be wrecked by uneconomic ugly bird killing windmills. Mad." How exactly are they "uneconomic"? Surely anything that might kick our fossil fuel habit should be lauded about. And for someone who spends so little time in this country in favour of hotter climbs, isn't this a bit rich?

He even commented on education funding: "Only one answer, really fix public education and give everyone equal opportunity," he Tweeted. Oh, thanks for that helpful insight into how to fix the education system. How exactly are you going to give everyone equal opportunity? Hack the exam board's email and distribute the answers to kids? It's all very well criticising, but if you don't have any helpful suggestions, then please, just shut up.

These rants appear to be the death throes of a dying old dog. Why would someone up to his neck in it even bother to wade into a bigger shitstorm that is the current state of this country? Surely it would be better to just keep your head down.

For Murdoch, it seems, the vultures are closing in.

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Thursday, 19 April 2012

Stealing Candy from a Baby: Government Takes Away Free School Meals

That's how I remember it!
In proposed changes to the benefit system, the Government is risking taking away free school meals from the poorest kids in society. Under the reforms, which will see benefits lumped into a "Universal Credit" system, would put a cap on benefits for families if they work longer hours to provide for their children. This would mean that it would cost an extra £500 million in order to provide these free school meals.

What kind of sick government would take away the poor kid's lunch? How about instead of limiting benefits for the poorest in society, we tax the hell out of companies that avoid tax in this country by funnelling it through foreign banks? Again, it appears as if the Government is looking after its friends. Not only has there been a tax cut for the top 1% of earners in this country, but now we see that they are literally snatching candy from babies. I hate to use the old chestnut of "This country's gone to the dogs" but I really believe that it has. Do these posh wankers have any idea what it's like to work on minimum wage? Do they have any idea what it's like having to worry about if you can even pay the rent? I think it should be compulsory for constituency MPs and ministers alike to have to work a 50 hour week on minimum wage and see how far it gets them. Greedy bastards.

Original story: